


两年

by huangjinguo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Historical, M/M, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 09:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11124027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huangjinguo/pseuds/huangjinguo
Summary: Sequel to 夏天之天 in which we find out what Yifan did that night and how he felt during the two years after.





	两年

**Author's Note:**

> \- Sequel time bc I bet y'all want to know what was up with Yifan
> 
> \- "Do I have to read the other thing to understand this thing?" I am afraid so, sorryyyyyyyyyyy!
> 
> \- Because there was a certain kind of date this week and I thought "WHY NOT DO THIS." - I am a horrible person.

\- 1989 -

A quick look at his watch tells him that it’s time to go. He’s spent the last hour on the square preparing his disappearance, and with everything set and done, there’s nothing else he can do but leave. Yifan looks up again to the guy who told him he’d be getting him and Yixing out of the city after he’s begged him to for quite a long time.

“Are you ready?” Wang Qi says.

He’s a friend of one of the student leaders. When things started to go south a few days ago, he’s already started to prepare a way to escape. The plan sounds simple enough to pull through with it without bigger complications, just what Yifan needs to get out of this mess.

“Can I take a moment to say goodbye to Lu Han?” Yifan asks when he realizes that he hasn’t seen his friend in the last thirty minutes.

Wang Qi nods and lets him go, telling him he’d be waiting right here. Yifan thanks him and starts looking for his friend, while his mind keeps jumping back and forth between all the things they went through in the last few weeks. Thinking about how he has met Lu Han in one of his writing classes at Beida makes his eyes water. They have always dreamed of taking part in a revolution and change the country for the better which makes the saying ‘Be careful what you wish for’ true in a very disenchanting way. As he makes his way through the intimidated crowd of students a bitter feeling swamps his body. Maybe all of them had wanted too much.

He finds Lu Han next to the Monument of the People’s Heroes, sitting right there, staring into the void. Tao’s blood is still on him and his clothes and it seems like he’s lost all purpose to be here.

“Lu Han.”

Yifan’s voice makes him come back to reality and he gets up on his feet. They look at each other, then Lu Han says:

“You came to say goodbye, right? I overheard your conversation with Yixing. You should hurry. Midnight’s in almost forty minutes and I’m not sure if you can make it in time to Beixinqiao if you keep hanging around here. They’re getting closer.”

Yifan takes a deep breath when he looks at his friend. He’s beat. He’s done. And he’s all alone. Tao’s in the hospital and none of them know if he’s survived or not. Lu Han doesn’t really know where the bullet has hit their friend. According to his words, Tao had lost an awful amount of blood and had told Lu Han to warn the others once a doctor had gotten a hold of him in the hospital, so he wasn’t able to check how severe the wound was. Lu Han has no idea about medical care. He doesn’t know if Tao is fatally wounded, but the whole situation is so chaotic, Tao might as well be dead.

“I’m sorry...” Is everything Yifan manages to squeeze out. “I know I said I wouldn’t leave...”

His sight gets blurry and he rubs the back of his hand over his eyes to get rid of the tears. When he looks back at Lu Han, he sees that he’s about to cry too.

“I know you are. Don’t be. Yixing is right. We should all leave. And you two should be together.”

“I could ask Wang Qi to take you with us...”

Lu Han shakes his head.

“Wang Qi’s nice enough to take you two. I’ll find another way.”

“I don’t want to leave you behind.”

His friend tries a smile and nods while the first tears roll down his cheeks.

“I know. But I guess that’s what it’s supposed to be like.”

Yifan sniffles and pulls Lu Han into a tight hug.

“Take care, okay? I’m begging you... take care of yourself,” He sobs into Lu Han’s shirt and he feels Lu Han nodding against his shoulder.

“I will, promise.”

Yifan is convinced that there’s different types of love that a person can feel. When he looks at Yixing, he feels the romantic type of love – the type that makes your heart skip a beat and your stomach flutter when you see the other. The type of love that hits you out of nowhere and makes you feel like the only thing that matters is the person right in front of you. And then there’s the type of love that Yifan feels when he looks at Lu Han or Tao, the platonic one, that radiates joy and peace through his body when he’s with them. Leaving them behind hurts him to such an extent he physically feels his heart clenching with grief.

When they part, both of their faces are wet with tears as they begin to realize what this moment means to them and their friendship.

“Yifan,” Lu Han begins and holds onto his elbows, “If... if we won’t see each other again, I just... I want you to know that it’s been an honor to call you my friend.”

“Shit, stop it, that sounds like we’re about to go to war...”

“We’re right in the middle of one.”

Sadly, Lu Han’s words are true. Martial law is being carried out and tanks are rolling right down to the square in this exact moment. It _is_ a war and it’s against the own people in this city. The thought bewilders Yifan.

They come close for another hug, tighter than before. It’s like they want to make this one last over the time they won’t be seeing each other. Yifan hopes that there will be a day when he’ll meet Lu Han again.

“Tell Yixing to have an eye out on you from me, yes?”

“I will!”

They keep hugging each other while a group of students starts chanting some more angry paroles as the next wave of information on more casualties pour onto the square. A few foreign reporters run after them with their cameras and microphones.

“I’m fucking scared,” Lu Han admits then and Yifan’s grip gets tighter before they part again.

“Me too.”

Lu Han keeps shedding tears and then he finally pushes Yifan away from him.

“Go. Please. I’ll be good. I’ll find a way.”

Yifan nods and walks back to Wang Qi – after a few steps, he turns around one last time to face Lu Han who gets shaken up by a few sobs and his heart sinks. There are so many things Yifan wants to tell him, things that he’s never said to him before. He’s always been a rather reserved friend but he’s thankful for every minute he was able to spend with Lu Han. He feels like he hasn’t told him enough how happy he is that he has him in his life.

“Just promise not to die tonight, okay? I... I really don’t want you to. You’re too important to me,” Yifan says, not caring about how cheesy that must have sounded and how stupid he must look while he sobs like a child.

Lu Han cracks a smile when he hears that.

“Right back at you. Now get a move on, or both of us will get shot right here.”

With a last encouraging smile that comes off rather weakly, Yifan turns around and goes back to Wang Qi who starts surpassing the other groups the moment he’s caught up to him, ignoring Yifan who can’t stop crying at the moment. It’s probably not out of lack of compassion, but right now, there’s no time for grief.

“Let’s go, and let’s hope Yixing will be on time,” the man says as they leave the square and walk up north into a back alley where he’s hidden the first vehicle for his escape plan. “You two set up to meet in Beixinqiao, right?”

“Yes.”

###

It’s almost scary how peaceful the street is. Yifan hides in a dark corner, right at the restaurant where he had his first date with Yixing. He’s jumpy on his feet and he bites his lips until he tastes blood coating them. It’s way past midnight. Yixing isn’t there yet. He should be though.

“Yifan, for fuck’s sake, we really need to get a move on.”

Wang Qi puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes it.

“He’s not there yet!”

“I know, but the longer we stay the more likely they will get us.”

Yifan doesn’t know why exactly Wang Qi has agreed to help him. Maybe because he’s just a generally nice guy who likes to help out people. But now all Yifan does is testing his patience that slowly runs out.

“What if he comes just when we left?”

“Fuck me, Wu Yifan. He won’t be coming. They probably got him.”

“No! No, they didn’t I just _know_ okay, five more minutes, please...” Yifan starts to protest and Wang Qi escapes an annoyed groan.

Both of them keep their eyes glued to the street where Yixing should be coming from. It’s a dark alley, laying in silence and it’s unbelievable that just a few blocks away, people get shot and run over with tanks. The silence hurts Yifan’s ears who has spent the last two hours on the square where people are still sitting on the concrete, chanting paroles and the Internationale against the violence the government imposes on them. It’s a crass contrast to the yelling and moaning on the streets surrounding Tiananmen, the total opposite of the sounds of gunfire that fills the city.

“Five more minutes. But I swear, we’ll leave then. If you don’t want to leave without Yixing, I’ll go alone. I’m not holding out my neck for this guy. I will leave Beijing for good tonight.”

Yifan nods because he doesn’t know what he should say. Wang Qi is giving him a choice. Stay or leave. Put yourself in danger or save yourself. Look for the one you love or leave him behind.

Yifan doesn’t want to die and the thought of getting caught by the authorities scares him more than anything. The fear that he’s feeling right now is stronger than when he got on hunger strike with the others back in May and it looked like they would really starve to death. It’s a different kind of fear, and Yifan is not able to categorize it. He’s promised Yixing to leave with him. And deep down he just knows that Yixing won’t make it. He’s either wound up at one of the barricades, already detained or...

“Okay, that’s it,” Wang Qi says and grabs Yifan’s elbow, “He’s not going to make it, Yifan. I’m so sorry, but we need to go _now_.”

He isn’t ready to make that decision yet and he can’t move. He keeps staring down the alley, hoping that Yixing will cut around the corner on his bike, and everything will be good. But nothing happens. Not even a stray cat is passing the street. Everything is dead.

“Yifan, I swear to god, _move_!” Wang Qi hisses and pulls at him.

Yifan feels all restraint leave his body and he lets himself get dragged away to their getaway car. Wang Qi opens the trunk and tells Yifan to get in.

“They’re not looking for me. It’s you they want. So get the fuck in. And don’t make any noise.”

The last thing Yifan sees before Wang Qi closes the trunk is the corner at the restaurant. _Please, please,_ he thinks, _come to me._

But nothing happens. And then everything turns black. The smell of petrol fills his nose and while Wang Qi drives off, Yifan can’t do anything but to shed silent tears, shocked about how much he’s been crying in the short span of barely an hour.

That’s it.

It’s over.

\- 1991 -

Even though he is from the South of China, the South of China has never been his favorite place to be. Summers are hot and humid and there’s a lot of rain which Yifan was never fond of. He would have loved to stay in Beijing, even though that time of the year is just as hot – at least, Beijing has a relatively dry summer without a lot of rain.

At least, there was Yixing.

It is almost unbelievable how his mind is spiraling back to him on a daily basis, triggered by the smallest things such as the weather. He’s doing fine, more or less, functioning in the real world as much as he needs to. He copes with nightmares from what has happened, which are never too bad to think about seeing a therapist – or at least that’s what he tells himself. He gets to work, sees some friends he has made in Taipei, goes out with them to have fun. And sometimes, between talks and laughter, between meals with his coworkers and doing business with customers, his mind snaps back to the summer of 1989 and he goes ‘Oh’.

1989.

The number clings to him like a parasite that won’t go away and keeps feeding off him. Contrary to his believe, it’s not getting worse when June comes around, even though newspapers in Taiwan are still drawn to the topic and even almost two years later still cover the story like it was yesterday and Yifan tries to ignore them all. It’s absolutely horrible when another typhoon is taking its toll over the island, when the days are dark and gloomy and Yifan would love to have Yixing with him so he can take him in his arms after a draining day at work and feel better. It’s the rain that drowns him in the ‘what would have beens’ and reminds him that he got lucky at best to have been able to escape. He still hates himself for leaving Yixing behind, not knowing what happened to him to that day. The question to what has happened to his boyfriend is a question he’s not even sure he wants to know the answer to. If Yixing got killed on his way to the dorm by a PLA soldier, his death would be on him. He told him to go. Yixing has begged him not to let him go alone. He made him go anyways.

Yifan has given up. He’s got no strength to keep on trying to find out what happened to Yixing, Tao, Lu Han and the others. The last information he got on Tao was that he got shot and Yifan has the feeling that his friend has died in the hospital. The tearful goodbye he shared with Lu Han makes him want to cry the moment he remembers that. Thinking about how lonely Lu Han had looked on the square, he can’t do anything but to keep holding up the hope that Lu Han has made it too somehow. But after a numerous of tries to find out what happened to them, getting no results in return, he’s given up. Maybe that is his punishment for not listening to Yixing when he had told him that the whole movement was doomed to fail. He should have listened to him when he had foreseen a disastrous ending. He should have left with him the day Martial Law had gotten enacted. Maybe even sooner. Now, everything he has are the memories that slowly kill him, a respectable amount of self-hate and the fading feeling on his lips from the last kiss they shared at Tiananmen Square.

###

It is another gloomy day and Yifan sits down in the meeting room of the bank where he works, even though he has no idea about the topic of the meeting. He lights up a cigarette, as smoking has become his bad habit. He likes to lie to himself and claim that he just started because everyone kept offering him to join them after lunch, when in fact, nicotine is the only way to keep himself from drowning in another pit of flashbacks that make it hard to concentrate. It tunes the noises down that dwell on in his head in those moments.

His colleague gets in, nods and Yifan hands him the pack of his cigarettes. They share a moment of silence before the others and their boss gets in who tells them that they have ‘a lot do get done’ – Yifan senses that he will probably need three more cigarettes to get through this. He can’t really follow through his boss’ presentation but in the middle of it, the door swings open. Every head turns around to face the person who’s just come in.

He’s tall, almost as tall as Yifan and Yifan would recognize his face in every crowd. He knows that face all too well, especially the nose and the lips that are his trademark and make him extremely handsome. The secretary comes running behind him.

“Mister, I told you that you cannot just come in here! Please wait outside until the meeting is over!” She yells at the intruder and before the boss can require an explanation, Yifan gets up and stares at the man in the doorway in disbelief.

“Tao?!”

“Yifan!”

It feels surreal to be seeing him standing there – and he knows immediately, that even if Tao would be leaving, he couldn’t possibly concentrate on the meeting. This is Huang Zitao standing in front of him, his friend and accomplice during the early summer days of 1989, the year that has turned his whole life around. He looks at his boss and says:

“Sorry, I... but... I really need to...”

He cannot explain himself and his hands start shaking. He has tried to not talk about what happened to him to any of his colleagues. The only one who knows is his boss, who has seen his resume and asked about why he never finished his studies at Beida. He knows that Yifan was at the frontlines of the student movement – upon hearing his story, he immediately offered Yifan a contract, which was the only moment Yifan thought that all the bullshit he went through has paid off to be useful in some sort of twisted way.

“Go, Mr. Wu.”

The coworkers are confused when their boss just nods into the direction of Tao and Yifan sweeps his cigarettes, pens and his notebook into his bag and runs for the door where he pulls Tao into a hug, only now starting to realize that his friend is really, truly standing in front of him and it’s not a trick his mind is playing on him. Tears immediately shoot up his eyes since he thought he’d never be seeing him again.

“I thought you got shot that day...” Yifan mumbles, low enough to not let anyone else hear besides his long-lost friend and Tao’s grip around his waist gets tighter, while his other hand pats his back.

“It wasn’t a fatal wound.”

His friend pulls him out of the room, away from the weird looks the other managers are throwing their way and they walk out of the bank where Yifan is working onto the wet streets.

“I cannot – how....?”

“I’ll explain everything!” Tao says and pats Yifan’s cheek with a bright smile, “I’ll invite you for lunch, how does that sound? Do you know a good restaurant?”

On days like these, Yifan uses to frequent a hot pot restaurant around the corner so he leads Tao there where they order enough food for four people, but Tao says that they need to celebrate their reunion. Tao tells him about his journey and how he has landed in Hong Kong after looking for Lu Han which has lead him first to this island, then later to Seoul where Lu Han lives with a guy called Kim Minseok who helped him to get on his feet again. Hearing that Lu Han is alive and well fills Yifan with a feeling of relief.

“I really don’t get it...!” Yifan exclaims when Tao has placed the order and pours him and his friend a cup of tea.

“I know, it took me long enough to find you!” Tao chatters and pats his hand, “In fact, out of all the people in the group, you were the one who was the hardest to find, I wonder why that is...”

Yifan stops short at the comment.

“Have you... found... Yixing?”

It’s the first time he says his name out loud ever since he’s set foot on Taiwanese ground. His heart clenches for a second.

“I did.”

Yifan lets out a gasp and grabs Tao’s hand and he almost screams out loud, drawing the attention of the other guests.

“Where is he?! What is he doing?!”

“Ssshhh, calm down!”

Yifan mumbles an apology and when the people around them start minding their own business again, Tao says:

“Don’t freak out about what I am about to tell you.”

The other one immediately jumps to the worst conclusion and he feels like someone is stabbing his guts with a blunt knife.

“Tao, no, don’t tell me he’s-“

“He’s alive, Yifan. He didn’t even get a scratch that night. I got a shot wound back then and was in a hospital for treatment when Yixing brought Xiao Wen in. He passed out in the ER and I gave up my bed for him. He woke up around three in the morning and wanted to find you, but it was no use, I mean... the army was out there... so I kept him put and we tried to find you the next day.”

“He’s...”

“We didn’t find you though, of course. I mean, you were gone already. And on June 5th, him, me, Lu Han, Li Ji and Wang Zhuoyi were together. Li Ji and Yixing got into a fight and Yixing fled the scene. I tried to stop him, but he ran too fast and I lost him. Ever since, nobody’s heard of him again.”

Yifan doesn’t want to cry, but he can’t stop the tears from falling when their waitress places the first plates of meat and vegetables onto their table. She asks if everything is alright, but Yifan sends her away immediately, telling her he’s good.

“When I finally arrived in Hong Kong, I met a journalist, maybe you know her. She’s written a big feature on the massacre last year, her name is Leung. I told her my story and she immediately took the bait and promised me to find my friends. I had found Lu Han already, so we started to look for you and Yixing. After weeks of research, me and Leung found Yixing.”

“So _where_ is he now?!”

“He’s still in Beijing.”

Yifan slumps down in his seat.

“Is he in prison?”

Tao sighs heavily.

“Sort of. They brought him to Shunyi Mental Hospital.”

“Why the fuck would he be sent to a psychiatric ward?!”

It sounds too surreal, and even though he feels relieved that Yixing is still alive, he feels a lump in his throat. The steam of the boiling hot pot broth blows in his face and he feels how fine drops of sweat start running down his temples. Tao sighs once again.

“To be honest, I don’t really get it. Leung is on this undercover thing and has somehow managed to infiltrate the hospital. She’s told me she has the feeling that the doctors just find excuses to keep him on lockdown. He’s getting medication and treatment for things that aren’t even plausible.”

“Oh my god...”

The same gnawing horror that he felt on the night of crawls back into Yifan’s bones. The waitress comes back with the last plate of food and some more tissues that she discreetly places next to Yifan. Then she takes her leave again.

“Leung is his doctor now. She took him off some medication and she says he’s doing better. We’re still trying to figure out how to get him out though. Maybe a couple more weeks and we’ll get him to Hong Kong. It will be fine, Yifan, I promise.”

Yifan cannot say anything. He just sits there, shedding tears that he’s held back for two years. Tao sighs and grabs Yifan’s hand over the table.

“Yifan, listen to me,” he says, “What happened back then wasn’t our fault. It was chaotic that night and the days after, and none of us knew what to do. It was good you got away and authorities didn’t get a hold of you. Don’t beat yourself up.”

He doesn’t want to hear any of this. In Yifan’s mind, there is not one fucking excuse why he left Beijing without Yixing. He had told him everything was going to be fine. That has been a lie. Nothing is fine. Nothing has been fine for the past two years, especially not for Yixing, the man that he fell in love with back then in March. He doesn’t want to say that he has been the perfect boyfriend. He’s been far from perfect and he’s treated Yixing not like he would have deserved, he knows that now. He’d love to turn back time and do things differently. Yixing has been like the one good thing in between all the bad things happening, the calm eye of the storm that was his life. And he had left him behind in a fit of cowardice.

“We wanted to leave, Tao.”

His friend shows a sad smile.

“He’s said the exact same words in the hospital when he realized he was too late.”

It’s like Tao wants to make him suffer a little more and Yifan quickly wipes his nose.

“I’m not even trying to find an excuse. I was there... I really was. We set up to meet in Beixinqiao. I had managed to prepare everything... all he had to do was get some stuff from the dorm and get back... and I waited with that guy who was willing to bring us out of the city... I did... but then... it got late and that guy kept telling me that if we don’t leave now, he’ll leave without me... and I just...”

“I’m pretty sure Yixing doesn’t hold this against you. You are on the most wanted list by the government, at least.”

“This is so wrong,” Yifan responds and finally grabs one of the tissues to clean his teary face, “He never wanted to be a part of this and he is suffering for the shit I’ve done? How is it that I get to be free and he’s locked away in Beijing?! It should be the other way around! I’d happily turn myself in if it means he gets to walk!”

“Okay, slow down! Nobody is turning in anyone. The government knows that you and Yixing were a thing. They are probably just waiting for you to knock at their door and present yourself on a silver platter in exchange for him. So don’t.”

Yifan stays silent and keeps crying, not caring about the looks the other guests throw him. If they only knew what they went through, they’d probably be minding their own fucking business.

“He’s not dead, Yifan. And he’ll soon be free. That’s my promise,” Tao adds and then throws the food into the broth.

In between his sobs and the thoughts that revolve around Yixing, Yifan says:

“So... he didn’t make it in time because he brought Xiao Wen to the hospital? Not because he was injured himself, right?”

“Right,” Tao answers and stirs the meat. He cracks another crooked smile, then he adds, “He helped her, Yifan. She got shot and Yixing rushed her to the ER. And I guess it was just too much for him in that moment, so he collapsed.”

“She didn’t make it,” Yifan states, judging from the look on Tao’s face.

He shakes his head.

“No. Yixing told me that she got three shot wounds. There was no way she could’ve survived this.”

Even though it happened two years ago, the nightmare still continues with all the revelations unfolding in front of him. The next fit of tears that dwell in Yifan’s eyes threat to roll down his face as he says:

“Remember that day when she marched with us to Tiananmen?”

“I do. Such a ray of sunshine.”

“All she did was help. She sacrificed so much for us.”

“She didn’t die alone. Yixing was with her.”

“How on earth is that supposed to help?! She shouldn’t be dead to begin with! She should be getting her degree, be a doctor! She paid with her life, Tao!” Anger rolls through him and he slams his fist on the table.

The tableware clatters and broth spills over the white tablecloth. Tao lets him and doesn’t even try to calm him down, which comforts Yifan to a certain small amount.

“The people who suffered the most are those who are not even to blame for this shit! Look at me! I got out! The student leaders got out and lead their lives here in Taiwan or Hong Kong or France or wherever the fuck they escaped to! None of them paid like those who supported them! How twisted is that?!”

Tao doesn’t say anything to that for a moment. He’s probably had the same thoughts in the last two years. He sighs, then he raises his voice again:

“I think the leaders think about this all the time. I mean, not that I am in contact with them. But I think they’re aware of all the people that died. But... you know... the thing that’s left for us to do is to move on. Or try to help those who need it. And, obviously, Yixing needs our help now.”

Yifan slowly nods and watches Tao fishing the meat out of the broth and putting some of it into his bowl.

“Can I do anything to help?” He then asks.

“Hmmm, I think we’ve got everything under control. He’s getting better, and it’s not like you can do a lot from here. I just want you to be ready when the day comes.”

“So you expect me to lean back and let others do the work to get my boyfriend free?”

Tao raises an eyebrow at the term ‘boyfriend’, as if he’s surprised that Yifan still considers them to be in a relationship. It comes off a little judging, but Yifan doesn’t hold that against him. He could’ve moved on in the last two years. Yixing maybe doesn’t even want to see him anymore. He could be hating him for leaving him behind, and even that would be completely understandable. If Yifan was able to, he probably would cut all ties with himself too.

“I’m exactly expecting that, yes. You’re not going to set one fucking foot onto the Mainland. They’ll detain you the moment you walk off the plane. So you will stay here.”

His friend grabs his wallet and pulls out his business card.

“Here. My phone number and address where I live now. Just in case you want to talk.”

Yifan takes it, then hands his own business card over the table, so Tao is able to give him a call and updates on the situation. When his friend puts the card into his wallet, he says:

“Okay. Enough of this depressing talk. Let’s eat. Food makes everything better.”

###

Every day from then, Yifan anxiously awaits Tao’s call. He’s trying hard to focus on his work, but sometimes he just keeps staring at his phone in his office and when it goes off, his heart stops for a second. When it’s just another client, he sometimes cannot hide the disappointed tone in his voice.

Somewhere around early August, Yifan is having one of those days again where he can’t concentrate on the things he’s supposed to do and smokes one cigarette after another to somehow calm down. Ever since Tao has appeared on his doorstep, his mind circles around his words. How they still try to figure out how to free Yixing. He’s gotten no updates whatsoever and sometimes, his mind starts coming up with images of how Tao and Leung are planning to pull through with Yixing’s escape, and the longer he thinks about it, the more things can go wrong. If only the slightest thing doesn’t work out, Yixing might be paying the price, and he doesn’t want him to. He wants him to be save, because after all those months locked away in that hospital, he deserves to be.

Right in the middle of those thoughts, his phone goes off. Yifan jerks back into reality and the ash of his cigarette falls onto some rather important document in front of him. He curses under his breath, wipes the document clean with his hand and answers the phone.

“Yes, hello?”

“Hey! Yifan?”

“Tao?!”

“Great! Listen, I need to wrap this up quickly because long distance calls are expensive and I barely have any small change with me right now, but everything’s worked out! Yixing will arrive in Hong Kong tomorrow! He’s fine!”

Yifan holds his breath for a second and then he just lets out a scream. Tao tells him the hotel he will stay at and he scribbles the name down with shaking hands.

“Maybe you can manage to drop by? I bet Yixing wants to see you.”

“I’ll... I’ll try to come as soon as possible! Thank you, Tao! Really, I....”

“I’ve got no money left, no problem, see you!”

And then the call disconnects. Yifan’s mind goes blank for a second, then he shoots up from his seat. He’s got two meetings scheduled for this afternoon, but those have become secondary within an instant. He needs to go. Now!

So he gets out of his office and runs down the hallway to see his boss. Yifan forgets to knock and busts into the room while the other one is sitting at his desk and goes over a letter. He shoots up and blinks in confusion when he sees his employee.

“Mr. Wu, what’s wrong?”

“I... I need to talk to you.”

The way Yifan must be looking makes him put down the paper in his hands and he nods to the chair in front of his desk.

“Sit.”

“I don’t think I can sit down...”

“Then keep standing, whatever suits you.”

Yifan is so nervous he starts walking up and down the office while his boss follows him with his gaze.

“So... what do you need to talk about?”

“I... You know what happened to me, back then in 1989, right?”

“Right.”

“And that man that came over a few weeks ago...”

“... that was probably one of your friends from back then, right?”

“Right.”

His boss nods and waits for Yifan to continue. Yifan takes a deep breath to build up more courage and then finally sits down to face him.

“Back then, I had a friend... like... my... best friend. And we wanted to leave Beijing together but he never showed up at our meeting spot. And I had to go without him. And... Tao... the man who came over... he’s found him. And he was in a very bad place and... Tao is bringing him to Hong Kong and I just... I wondered...”

“You need a few days off to go to Hong Kong,” his boss interrupts his stammering.

He’s usually not one of those employers to grant vacation on such a short notice, and Yifan doesn’t want to take too much advantage of his situation, so he feels kind of bad to be asking this. But he nods nonetheless. He just needs to see Yixing, that’s the only thing that matters right now.

“I only need like... two or three days. I just want to see him and make sure he’s fine... I... I’ll make up to it and work extra hours for the rest of the month if you want me to, I promise!”

There is a long pause between them which makes Yifan even more nervous than he already is. His boss sighs, then he says:

“Come back on the 12th. I’ll assign your project to someone else though.”

Yifan exhales a long breath, then gets up and bows numeral times.

“Thank you, boss! Really! Thank you!”

“Yeah, no need to. You went through enough as it is. Go and see your friend. And when you come back, I hope you’ll get yourself back together. I noticed you slacking off. But I guess I know the reason now.”

“I promise. I will.”

With that, Yifan leaves the office and goes straight home. He doesn’t know how he should proceed – he’s been so caught up in worrying what might go wrong that he’s never wasted a minute thinking about what to do if it actually worked out. He decides to stuff a few clothes into a bag and takes the next train to the airport where he tries to board the next plane to Hong Kong. Upon arriving at the airport, he goes straight for the counter of China Airlines.

“Hello, Mister,” A young woman greets him with a practiced smile and Yifan is in such a hurry, he doesn’t even bother to smile back.

“I need a flight to Hong Kong.”

“Okay, Mister,” she says and starts typing into her computer, “When do you want to leave?”

“I... thought about... right away. Like. The next available flight. Today would be great.”

She stops short in her doing and looks up to Yifan with a confused look.

“I’m not trying to escape the country or something! I just... I have an urgent thing that came up...” Yifan adds and she tries a fake laughter.

“I see! Let me check for a moment!”

The computer is awfully slow and it takes everything from Yifan to not lash out on her, even though he knows exactly it’s not her fault. The woman keeps typing and typing, surfs through her system and then finally turns back to Yifan at the other side of the counter.

“I am really sorry, but all our flights today are fully booked.”

“Then just give me a seat in the business class or something, I really don’t care about the price!”

“No. I mean. The flights are fully booked. China Airlines is operating two more flights to Hong Kong today and both of them have no free seat in any class.”

“Is this a joke?”

“Unfortunately no, mister,” She says with an apologetic smile. “I can book you onto the first flight tomorrow which would leave at 8 a.m.”

Yifan lets out a grunt, but needs to give in and lets her give him a seat for the flight tomorrow morning. While she’s at it, she offers booking a hotel room for the duration of his stay, which he gladly accepts because he’s not sure what will happen the moment he sees Yixing again. When he’s gotten all the documents he needs, he’s forced to drive back into the city and spend 19 more hours there before he can finally be on his way to the one person in his life that has ever mattered much to him.

In those 19 hours, he barely catches any sleep. On the flight itself, he ignores the food and everything else, because he feels like he’s about to vomit any given second. The nauseous feeling doesn’t even fade when he’s getting his suitcase at the baggage claim and he gets the premonition that he won’t be feeling better until he’s reunited with Yixing. After changing his money to Hong Kong Dollars at a horrendous exchange rate at the airport, he catches a taxi and drives to his hotel located in Kowloon, but he doesn’t even take a minute to rest. He throws his baggage onto the bed, then leaves his room again and stops another taxi. He doesn’t say much and only hands the driver the paper with the name of Yixing’s whereabouts and he grunts in agony when they drive right into a traffic jam.

“I’m sorry, Mister!”, the man says in Cantonese.

Yeah. Everyone is sorry. The girl from China Airlines, the woman at the counter from his hotel (“Our computer system has some problems today, sorry for taking so long!”) and now the man behind the wheel. It’s like the universe doesn’t want him to be reunited with Yixing.

“I’ll walk the rest,” he then announces and gives the driver the fee before he gets out.

He keeps asking people on the street for directions and after thirty minutes, he finally busts into the lobby. It’s not an expensive or fancy hotel, but it’s clean and when he asks the receptionist for Zhang Yixing, the man at the counter gives him the room number without any further questions.

“That one guy from the mainland told me another man would be coming in to see him,” he mumbles and goes back to reading his newspaper when Yifan asks if it was okay if the owner gave away that kind of information.

He smiles and thanks Tao for being this mindful, then he runs for the stairs and gets onto the fifth floor to the room with the number 520. He’s a little out of breath and tries to calm down before he plans on knocking but when he lifts his fist to do so, something holds him back.

He doesn’t know if he’s ready to face him. It’s weird. He wants to see him, he wants to touch him and he wants to hear his voice again, but he’s afraid of Yixing’s reaction. The worst thing that could happen would Yixing kicking him out and telling him that he hated him for leaving him behind. He’s not prepared for rejection. His stomach tightens and he feels a lump in his throat as he keeps staring at the door. When his breath has calmed down enough, he hears the noise of a TV in the room behind the door, telling him that Yixing must be inside. His eyes start to water and then, it’s like his hand is acting on its own accord, because he doesn’t think his brain is giving the order to knock out on his own will.

His fist bangs against the door two times and the noise behind it fades until there’s nothing but complete silence. Then, Yifan hears footsteps approaching and he forgets to breathe until the door opens and Yixing appears.

The moment he sees him after two years feels like somebody is hitting him with a hammer. Yixing has gotten skinny. So skinny that Yifan is afraid one touch might break him which scares him. But nevertheless, it’s Yixing, and he’s alive, and he’s sort of well. Yifan needs to lean against the doorframe because his head is getting dizzy and then he starts crying.

“Yixing… I… I failed you… forgive me…”

###

From this point on, Yifan spends as much time with Yixing as he can. He gets to his own hotel room to change his clothes, only to return to Yixing immediately afterwards. Yixing doesn’t dare to take a long walk through the city and contents himself with short tours among Victoria Harbor and a few restaurants that Tao shows them. Their first evening they spend together as a trio is filled with laughter and conversations about their Beida days, right before everything started. None of them wants to talk about the Movement or the Massacre, but that’s okay for the time being. On his third day in Hong Kong, Leung arrives and knocks at the door of Yixing’s hotel room while Yifan, Tao and him spend the overly hot noon in front of the fan and a round of cards on Yixing’s bed.

“Yixing!” She greets him and pulls him into a hug.

“Doctor!” He exclaims, but then realizes that the term is probably not right anymore. “Um... I mean... huh... you’re not really my doctor.”

“It’s okay, call me whatever you want!” She says with a bright smile and pats his cheek.

Then her eyes lock with Yifan and she tilts her head.

“You must be Yifan.”

The icy tone in her voice tells Yifan that she doesn’t really like him. He clears his throat and gets up from the bed, not sure what to do.

“Yeah... um... that’s me.”

She nods and Yixing adds:

“He came the moment he heard that I’m in Hong Kong.”

“How noble,” she comments and examines Yifan from head to toe, then she adds, “Yifan, do you mind if we two talked for a moment?”

Yifan doesn’t feel like he should turn her down so he follows her out of the room into the hallway. She fumbles a pack of cigarettes out of her purse and says:

“Do you want one too?”

“I’m trying to quit, to be honest.”

“Yeah, that’s what I say every time I buy a new pack,” She responds and keeps holding the cigarettes into Yifan’s direction, not taking a no for an answer.

He sighs and takes one. After they’ve lit them up and the nicotine has reached their lungs, Leung says:

“I know everything about you, Wu Yifan.”

“My condolences.”

She snorts and blows some more smoke out of her mouth and nostrils. It doesn’t seem like she knows how to proceed, so Yifan takes the lead:

“Listen, I know I’ve been a jerk. You have every right to hate me.”

“I don’t think you deserve my hate,” she says and leans against the wall, flicking extensive ash off her cigarette onto the floor, “And actually, what you and Yixing had or have is none of my business. But let me tell you one thing: This man has suffered enough. You have no idea how it was for him up there. He went from that hell on the square right to the next in the hospital. He’s been mistreated and abused by the nurses and all he had over these two years was nothing but the hope that you were somehow alive. And if whatever you’re trying to do to him is anything but focusing on healing the wounds inflicted by your actions, I will hunt you down personally. I’ll drag you through the press and I will make your life a living hell. Don’t think I wouldn’t do it, because I’ve done it before.”

“Fair enough,” Yifan says, “Do you actually care about my side of the story?”

He doesn’t feel like he should be defending himself, but he feels like voicing that he hasn’t been doing too well either. Because he certainly wasn’t fine after escaping Beijing. He was a miserable piece of trash, and just because he’s made it out of the Mainland doesn’t mean his life was a merry-go-round.

“Well, as a person, I frankly don’t. But as a journalist, I’m always willing to get as much information as possible on a situation. So try me.”

Yifan feels the smoke of his own cigarette dance around his hand as he doesn’t bother to take another drag from it. He looks at Leung who is still leaning against the wall, not indicating that she has any compassion left for Yifan.

“I had everything planned for our escape,” he starts, “And I’ve waited at the meeting spot, but Yixing never came. There was no way to reach him and the guy who was willing to take us kind of made the decision for me and dragged me with him. I kept praying to any higher being there might be to bring Yixing to me in time, but I had to go without him. I’m not even trying to talk myself out of this. I was scared that night. Everyone was. It’s not an excuse, but just imagine for a second how you’d feel when you know that a whole government is on your heels. That tanks roll down the street, and armed men are ready to shoot you any given second.

“I have nightmares all the fucking time. I hate New Year’s because I start panicking when the fireworks go off. It just throws me right back and I hear the gunshots and the yelling... and I see them. My brain lets me see Tao and Lu Han and Xiao Wen and... Yixing, hurting and bleeding in the streets of Beijing and all I can think about is how this was my fault.

“Yixing would’ve been better off without me. All of them would’ve. Xiao Wen would probably be still alive. Yixing would probably be finishing his doctor’s degree and be the amazing person that he is. He wouldn’t have lost two years of his life because of me. And that’s... unforgivable. I don’t expect you to show any sympathy for me, but I do promise that whatever I do from now on is trying to fix the mess that I caused. Yixing deserves nothing but the best after what he’s gone through. I want to make sure he’s okay and I will do anything I can to make up for failing him. And if that will take me the rest of my life, so be it.”

Silence follows Yifan’s little speech and then, Leung cracks a smile.

“Very well then. That’s what I wanted to hear.”

She flicks the cigarette onto the floor, puts it out with the sole of her shoe and walks to the door of Yixing’s hotel room. Yifan follows her example. When they return to the other two, Leung tells them that she’s hungry and invites all of them for dinner.

Yifan returns to his office in Taipei on the 12th, knowing that Yixing will follow him a few weeks later, even though both Leung and Tao had opposed the plan at first. In the end, both of them gave in to Yixing’s stubbornness, and when Leung said goodbye to Yifan, she once again reminded him to be good to Yixing. Yifan doesn’t have the feeling that she will ever tolerate him in this lifetime. Strangely enough, he’s not mad about it.

When he returns to his own apartment, the feeling of their last kiss at the airport keeps lingering on his lips. He only reluctantly had said goodbye to Yixing in Hong Kong, but as he touches his lips while he stares out of the window onto the backstreet of his housing unit, he remembers that this kiss would be followed by more. That this goodbye wasn’t final. He wouldn’t have to fear to forget the feeling of Yixing’s lips against his own one day, because hopefully, his lips would be reminded over and over again for the rest of his life.

\- 1992 -

Yifan awakes in the middle of the night, while heavy rain keeps drumming against the windows of his bedroom. When he turns around, he sees Yixing’s back turned to him, but he knows that he’s not asleep either. He scoots closer and throws one arm around the smaller one while he places a few kisses on Yixing’s shoulder.

“How’d you know I’m not asleep?” Yixing asks and intertwines their fingers in a swift movement.

“I just know,” Yifan mumbles against Yixing’s skin and presses his body against him.

Even now, over a year after Yixing’s managed to be with him in Taiwan, the fact that he’s with Yifan baffles the older one. It feels like a dream and Yifan is afraid that one day, he’ll wake up and everything has just been an illusion.

“Have you been dreaming again?” Yifan asks, because he knows that Yixing struggles with nightmares, far more often than he does.

Ever since Yixing reappeared at his side, and he knows that Tao and Lu Han are doing well too, he’s found some peace of mind. The panic attacks every time someone lights up crackers and fireworks remain though and he’s positive they will never get better.

“No. I’ve been thinking too much,” Yixing answers and turns around to face Yifan. “Would we still be together even if none of that happened?”

“What kind of question is that!” Yifan cries out into the dark room, “Of course we would! Do you think you would have been a summer fling for me?”

“I’m not saying that, Yifan. I just have the feeling that right now, we’re together because we try to fix each other. Because of the weeks we spent on the square, we cling onto each other because we cannot function in the company of normal people.”

“That might be true,” Yifan admits and kisses Yixing’s collarbones, “But I chose you way before all of this started. And I chose you the moment you walked into your dorm room, the second I laid my eyes on you for the first time.”

Yixing stays silent for a few moments in which Yifan keeps tracing the outlines of his collarbones with his lips. Then he takes Yifan’s chin in one hand to force him to look at him.

“Really?”

They’ve never talked about when exactly they started to have feelings for each other. Back then, they didn’t really talk about their feelings at all. Which leads Yifan to voice his thoughts even more so now:

“Really. You walked into that shabby room and my mind went blank for a second. I was absolutely blown away by you.”

“You seemed so smooth though...” Yixing recalls and starts to caress Yifan’s jawline with his thumb. “And I just kept stammering through our first conversation.”

“Well, I guess I covered it up pretty well. But the only clear thought that I had was that I had to have you.”

Yifan can only faintly make out how Yixing curls his lips into a smile.

“Same,” he then admits and scoots closer to seal their lips into a kiss.

While they keep pecking at each other’s lips, Yifan pulls Yixing on top of him. He loves the feeling of Yixing’s weight on him, especially when it’s starting to get chilly outside and Yixing does nothing but radiating warmth and safety, something he hasn’t felt in a very long time. When Yixing breaks away from their kiss and buries his face in the curve of Yifan’s neck, Yifan throws his arms close around Yixing’s body.

“I love you.”

Yixing smiles against Yifan’s skin and places a soft kiss on his neck.

“I love you, too.


End file.
